I got this in an email from another Bonacker today and laughed hysterically at it - hopefully non-bonackers will think it is amusing at least
LONG ISLAND.... You can use the back roads to get home quicker than the average tourist, but you don't know the names of any of the streets...it is all intuition.
You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there.
You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island. You don't live in the Hamptons... you are from Amagansett, East Hampton, Montauk, Springs or Wainscott. You say Bonac Crick for Creek.
You know how many lanes go over the Shinnecock Canal and where the speed traps/state troopers hang near there. You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City." You never realize you have an accent till you leave. Everything north of the Bronx is "upstate." New Jersey sucks.
When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't. You are proud you are from Springs. You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York. You know people from the Oak View Trailer Park.
At some point in your life you've gone clamming. Either your parents or your grandparents lived in the city. You'd pay $11.50 for a movie. You ran outta toilet paper and bought it at Hess, because it was the only thing open.
Your distant future might involve the state of Florida and living in a trailer does not sound crazy. You can correctly pronounce places like Hauppauge, Wantagh, Massapequa, Amagansett, Napeague. You can also pronounce Schenck's.
You know the location of 3 malls and 4 McDonalds and thirty six 7-11's on Long Island. You know where the best hunting, clamming and fishing spots are. You can navigate through Northwest with your eyes closed.
You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..." You've missed that "Drunk Train," the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30. You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Speonk or Montauk.
No, you don't want mustard on that burger!! You know what a Villa Combo is. You've had a seagull or goose crap on your car. You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house, at least once. You've been to the Radar Tower in Montauk and been spooked.
You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1 game among children 5-13.
You know what a John Burger is and have eaten food at either Mc Kendry's or Wolfies, and regretted it in the morning. You know what a Morning After is from One Stop. You can name the brothers that own Fierro's and have a charge/house account there.
Quick! Who's your county Executive? Don't know do you? But you can name the local fire chief can't you?
You've never taken an MTA bus. The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks. You don't associate Fire Island with gay men. You don't cross the Shinnecock Canal unless you have to from Memorial Day to Labor Day...EVER! You know which parts of the Godfather were filmed on Long Island. You go to Riverhead to go shopping, cause it's cheaper.
You know where the movie stars live, but really don't care.
You've paid a $20 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it. You've paid $12 for a drink in the village, but been too drunk to care. You've gotten into the Talkhouse free, at least once. You've been pulled over by the Sag Harbor Police Department and think they are all pricks.
Billy Joel said it best, " either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore." You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."
You don't really see what the big deal is about the Hamptons. You have gotten smashed at the Boardy Barn. You know at least 5 local cops by name, cause they pull you over and then laugh. You are related to in someway to a Lester, King or Bennett. (some of us are related to all three groups - rho)
When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long Guy- Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York.
The Belt Parkway sucks! You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving). You know not to turn the corner by the Diner in Southampton in the summer-EVER! You remember when Wainscott had no traffic lights. You can remember when Bridgehampton had the Drive in.
Regular gas -- $2.69-$4.19 and you still pay it to fill up your 2-5 inch lifted truck!!! You know who Kenny is, and don't have to say his last name.
You remember Grumman. You know where Republic Airport is. You have never been to East Hampton Airport, for anything.
You've gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school. You know what Albert's is. You didn't like the kids from Pierson.
You have said "I love the guys at Mt Fuji" after downing 5 Sake Bombs at Mount Fuji.
You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Babylon and
Montauk, laughing when you say SPEONK!! Paying $50 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.
You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent." You knew of Massapequa before the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.
You've partied on a golf course in the middle of the night. You used to party at the bar in the bowling alley.
The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were somewhere else and you laughed. When you live somewhere else and are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights. When you just sort of presume that wherever you live, they have Schwenks green box Iced Tea.
You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island, including Twisted Sister. When you see two men holding hands...it's normal to you.
No word ends in an ER, just an AH.
You actually remember most of these things and pass this on to other friends from Eastern Long Island-BUB!!!